Sunday, March 23, 2008

How to choose a son-in-law

How to choose a son-in-law - from The Times of India

Goan for the Jocular
by Cecil Pinto

Olga Aunty dropped in today with her daughter. Again.
For the past two years Olga has been searching for a
suitable boy for Succorine. Every few months Olga
Aunty will meet me and tell me her woes. Invariably
the same.
The right match was found but then, at the last
minute, they find some seemingly unsurmountable flaw
in the boy. "But he wears earrings", "But he
can't take his wife abroad", "I heard he took drugs
before", "He was friendly with a married woman when he
was in college"... Wonder what it is this time?

"But he drinks!"

"What?"

"Perpet Mana told me that every weekend he goes to the
club and has a few drinks"

"So what of it, Aunty. Its not like he's a raving
alcoholic?"

"But..."

"Ok! What does he drink?"

"How should I know?"

"Tell Perpet Mana to find out"

"Arre! What does it matter? Drinking is drinking!"

"Very, very important to know what he drinks"

"Maybe he drinks Rum"

"White or dark? If he drinks white rum of any sort
then he is ignorant. But if he can differentiate
between Old Monk from Tilamol and Lucknow Distilleries
than he has a fine tongue"

"What about beer"

"Cool. But only Kingfisher, Fosters or Haywards. If he
drinks Belo beer then he's probably a poor gambler
trying to win the Rs. 50,000/- prize under the cork"

"And whisky?"

"Naaah! Of course it depends on what whisky. If he
drinks anything known by its initials like AC, OC,
DSP, DySP... then he's a loser who just likes the
golden colour. But if he drinks a single malt or a
premium whisky like Signature or even better, Black &
White, then he has refined sensibilities"

"I think Perpet Mana mentioned Solan something"

"Solan No. 1, Bagpiper, Arlem beer... these are
genuine signs that this guy is in his mid forties and
is too old for your Succorine. He probably also
rides a Yezdi motorcyle and smokes Four Square
cigarettes. Stuck in the early nineteen eighties
that's what these guys are"

"Brandy?"

"Mansion House, Honeybee ok. But if he's drinking any
variety of Doctor's brandy then his stomach is
probably corroded already and he won't last long"

"And Vodka & Gin?"

"Avoid him like the plague. Specially if he has those
sweet pre-mixed drinks like Shotz and Bacdardi
Breezer. He's gay. Definitely gay"

"And what if he drinks the local stuff"

"What you mean local stuff"

"You know Caju, Maad, Urrack..."

"Good question. You see Aunty here in North Goa anyone
who drinks Maad or Urrack has to be a broke guy.
Urrack is only drunk during Urrack season and
Maad should only be consumed in South Goa. Caju Feni
on the other hand is an excellent pointer to a
person's good character.

But does he drink just any Caju? Does he sniff the
bottle before pouring a drink? Does he enquire about
the vintage and the still it came from? You see this
year's stuff from Anton in Siolim is not the same as
last year's from Digamber in Sanvordem? Does he have
it with soda or with Limca or with water. Cold water
or normal water? Does he insist on mineral water?
Which brand? There are so many factors to be
considered when choosing a son-in-law. You have to
very careful"

"I will ask Perpet Mana to find out more and get back
to you"

"Cheers!"

__________
The humour column above appeared in Goa Plus the
Friday Magazine section of The Times of India on
6th December 2002.
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