Cecil & Beatrice Pinto explore Goa with, and teach Konkani to, a young couple from the Isle of Wight in UK - Andrew and Justine.
Beatrice: How nice to be going to Baga beach. I'm coming here after nearly ten years.
Justine: Is that so? We were here yesterday and on Monday and on…
Cecil: You are tourists. You come for the sun and the sand. We have a different relationship with the beach or vell. It is more than just recreational.
Beatrice: Yes. Our elderly people used to come here to the beach, veller, and have saltwater baths every morning. To bathe is nhavpak. It was supposed to be a cure for arthritis, rheumatism and similar diseases. They would not have a fresh water bath for the entire duration of their stay here. They would park themselves in a rented room nearby…
Cecil: Talking of parking, our picnic spot seems to be invaded by parked cars. There's no place to sit. Bospak na zago! Bos is sit and zago is place.
Beatrice: My goodness! This is shocking. This area in front of Hotel Baia do Sol has always been a picnic spot for us locals. A nice airy shady area with a direct view of the sea, doria. Now the view is blocked by these huge shacks and we have to face their toilets, or kapus!
Andrew: What's the problem? Let's just sit in a shack and enjoy the vell.
Cecil: Goroz shi na! There is no need! I don't want to sit in these shacks. Their prices and attitudes are directed towards the big-spending tourists, specially the Europeans. I have carried my own snacks and refreshments. Why can't I have a clean convenient picnic area like before? Why is everything targeted at tourists? Don't we, locals and taxpayers, matter anymore?
Beatrice: Keep the politics for another day. Let's go to St. Anthony's. Is that ok with you?
Cecil: Ok! At least I know those guys cater for the locals and we won't be surrounded by arrogant overweight Brits. And we can see the sand, renv, and the sea, doria, from where we sit at our table, mez, on our chairs, kodeli.
Andrew: Let's take a walk on Baga beach first, if you don't mind.
Cecil: Sure. I remember foreigners, bhaile as we called them then, roaming completely naked, nagdde, on this beach when I was very young. Now the term bhaile applies to Indian migrant labourers. Actually bhailo just means outsider with bhair being out. Technically speaking we are still in Calangute as Baga actually is the other side of the creek. The ugly bridge, pul, connecting is so despised that you will see people, lok, risking their lives crossing the creek through the water, udok, rather than go through to that monstrosity. The hillock, dongor, you see across separates this beach stretch from the Anjuna stretch.
Justine: Aha! So nice to see miles of lovely beach right up till Sinquerim.
Beatrice: What beach? What I can see are miles of beach-beds? When did this happen? Ten years back there were a few beach-beds outside every shack. Now they stretch in multiple tiers endlessly. I'm reminded of the lines from Wordsworth's Daffodils, “Continuous as the stars that shine, And twinkle on the Milky Way, They stretch'd in never-ending line, Along the margin of a bay:, Ten thousand saw I at a glance, Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.”
Cecil: I'm reminded of what came next, “A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund company!”. What daffodils? See those pansies there hugging each other in the water. In our time the beach was full of sexy naked women. Now we see gays, “fluttering and dancing in the breeze!”
Justine: You got something against gays?
Cecil: Naaah! Just that I prefer naked women!
Beatrice: Stop behaving like a pervert, pozdo.
Cecil: Aha! Today, aiz, I'm a pozdo. Yesterday, kal, I was a baizuan, lecher. Just my ponvot, bad luck, I presume to be gifted with an eye, dollo, to appreciate the female body, kudd. Wonder what I will be called tomorrow, faleam, and day after, porvam.
Andrew: I thought you said kudd was a sort of residential club each village had in Mumbai?
Beatrice: Yes that too. Spelt the same way. Speaking of kudd let's run through some body parts quickly. Head is tokli, forehead is kopol, nose is nak, ear is kan, eye is dollo, lips are vontt, chin is khaddki, cheeks are pole, neck is man, shoulder is khand, hand is hath, finger is bott, stomach is pott, back is fatt, chest is xati, legs are paim, toe is akhonno. Have I missed anything?
Cecil: Sure! Buttocks are kule, thighs are zangllam, breasts are mome, the entire male genital region is called… Whaaaaa! Did you see that?
Andrew: What?
Cecil: See that huge woman swimming there. Just one of her kule could feed a family for a month!
Justine: That wasn't a very nice thing to say.
Cecil: I was just kidding. What does physical appearance matter? As long as one has one's heart, kaliz, and soul, otmo, in the right place.
(GOENCHO ULO)
http://www.dmello.in/goenchoulopage8.htm
http://www.fullerlife.in/
http://www.goa-world.com/goa/about_goa/
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Corporation, Chaka Chak & Chicken
Corporation, Chaka Chak & Chicken
Confidence building measures to commence in Panjim
By Cecil Pinto
I don't know what it is about the bird flu that seems to bring out
the humour in us. When the tsunami struck, or some earthquake, or
similar, there was always a sense of shock and expressions of
concern and sympathy. But the bird flu scare elicits nothing of
that sort. I have already received seventeen SMS alerts that the
bird flu strikes 'small cocks' first. Some even more amusing bird
flu related SMS' use rather mature language and cannot be quoted.
Newspapers are having a field day with headlines, "Foul play
suspected", "Chicken and egg situation" etc. Quite frankly nobody's
scared by the bird flu - but nobody's eating chicken either.
Restaurants and hotels had stocked up tons of chicken in
anticipation of the Carnival tourists. Wholesalers and
retailers too are stuck with freezers full of un-saleable product.
Experts from their respective field all reassure us that it's
perfectly ok to eat properly cooked chicken. But they themselves,
none of them, are actually eating chicken. While I'm on that will
someone explain to me why they use the grandiose term 'poultry
products' when what they want to say is eggs! Even the smallest
poultry farmer and deep-freezer owner has a sign saying "Chicken &
Poultry Products". Other than the eggs what other poultry products
are there? Why waste two words (four syllables) when the simple
monosyllabic 'eggs' would suffice? Anyway, my opinion is that
this 'bird flu' disease (not 'pandemic' as the press likes to call
it) has been blown totally out of proportion. Specially here in
Goa, I don't think there is any reason not to eat properly cooked
chicken. But as stray false reports and rumours are churning around
the poultry industry is going through a severe economic depression
from which it will take many years to recover.
The hotel and restaurant industry too is suffering a major blow.
I suggest they join together and make some creative moves to inspire
confidence in the public. Convey to the Goan public and the tourists
that there's absolutely no danger in eating chicken.
The simplest method of course would be to rope in some trusted
celebrities and design some impact-ful advertisements.
But this too isn't a fail-safe plan. So what if Amitabh Bachchan says,
"I can eat chicken and so can you"?
The natural reaction from the public would be "Sure, and in case
you fall sick you can afford Nanavati Hospital. I can't!". Also the
suspicion will be that the chicken Amitabh is shown eating in the
advertisement was probably imported from Switzerland, went through
multiple checks and was then cooked using complex technology
unavailable to the common man.
What we need is credible normal people eating chicken on the street.
Elections to the Corporation of the City of Panjim (CCP) are fast
approaching. Battle lines have been drawn. What is the biggest
question facing each candidate? "Should I appeal to the people's
civic sense or shall I promise them the works?" No! "Should I make
the garbage issue the main plank of my campaign or shall I focus on
the drainage problem?".
No! These matters are trivial. The question uppermost in candidates
minds is "What do I feed my workers, now that chicken is taboo?!!".
You see one of the benefits of being a worker for a candidate,
at any elections, is that one can consume unlimited chilled beer
and unlimited chicken (mostly chicken xacuti and bread). Now with
the bird flu scare what do the candidates feed their workers?
Bhaji-puri? They would defect immediately.
Fish is much too expensive. Mutton would alienate the
Christians, beef would alienate the Hindus and pork wouldn't go
down well with the Muslim voters. Consider also that with thirty
wards being carved out of a not-so-populous Panjim, almost every
voter is also a worker for some candidate. We are not just talking
of keeping workers happy, we are talking about keeping voters happy.
I suggest that all candidates have roadside election
meetings. At the very beginning of the meeting live chicken are
slaughtered and while the speeches are in progress the chicken is
cooked on the spot. The poultry farmers will surely give their
chickens free for such a good cause and the restaurant industry
will also give their equipment and cooks free. They all stand to
gain if this confidence building measure works. As soon as the
speeches conclude the candidate, with great fanfare, eats some
chicken himself, followed by the poultry farmers and the
restaurateurs. The workers will definitely join in on seeing this.
Panjim is the capital city of Goa. Panjim always leads the way.
Goa watches what happens in Panjim. The rest of the state will surely follow
suit and start eating chicken again. The country and the world will
get the message, "It's safe to eat chicken in Goa!"
The CCP candidates missed their chance during the Carnival Parades.
Cutting, cooking and eating chicken on a moving parade float-truck
would have got them international attention and praise. Instead we
had floats that magnified the bird flu scare. Having said that I
still say hats off to the float designers who overnight managed to
fabricate bird flu related floats. I hope the CCP candidates
will take my suggestion seriously and do the right thing for their
workers, voters and Goa in general. The Government has done all it
can by reacting immediately and taking all health precautions. Now
it is time for us Ponjekars to show the rest of Goa that "Chaka
Chak" can apply to "Chicken" too!.
And since the candidates won't have to spend so much money on their
workers perhaps we will get candidates elected who genuinely want
to serve the people, and not just those with the deepest pockets.
-----
The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated March 2nd
2006.
=====
Confidence building measures to commence in Panjim
By Cecil Pinto
I don't know what it is about the bird flu that seems to bring out
the humour in us. When the tsunami struck, or some earthquake, or
similar, there was always a sense of shock and expressions of
concern and sympathy. But the bird flu scare elicits nothing of
that sort. I have already received seventeen SMS alerts that the
bird flu strikes 'small cocks' first. Some even more amusing bird
flu related SMS' use rather mature language and cannot be quoted.
Newspapers are having a field day with headlines, "Foul play
suspected", "Chicken and egg situation" etc. Quite frankly nobody's
scared by the bird flu - but nobody's eating chicken either.
Restaurants and hotels had stocked up tons of chicken in
anticipation of the Carnival tourists. Wholesalers and
retailers too are stuck with freezers full of un-saleable product.
Experts from their respective field all reassure us that it's
perfectly ok to eat properly cooked chicken. But they themselves,
none of them, are actually eating chicken. While I'm on that will
someone explain to me why they use the grandiose term 'poultry
products' when what they want to say is eggs! Even the smallest
poultry farmer and deep-freezer owner has a sign saying "Chicken &
Poultry Products". Other than the eggs what other poultry products
are there? Why waste two words (four syllables) when the simple
monosyllabic 'eggs' would suffice? Anyway, my opinion is that
this 'bird flu' disease (not 'pandemic' as the press likes to call
it) has been blown totally out of proportion. Specially here in
Goa, I don't think there is any reason not to eat properly cooked
chicken. But as stray false reports and rumours are churning around
the poultry industry is going through a severe economic depression
from which it will take many years to recover.
The hotel and restaurant industry too is suffering a major blow.
I suggest they join together and make some creative moves to inspire
confidence in the public. Convey to the Goan public and the tourists
that there's absolutely no danger in eating chicken.
The simplest method of course would be to rope in some trusted
celebrities and design some impact-ful advertisements.
But this too isn't a fail-safe plan. So what if Amitabh Bachchan says,
"I can eat chicken and so can you"?
The natural reaction from the public would be "Sure, and in case
you fall sick you can afford Nanavati Hospital. I can't!". Also the
suspicion will be that the chicken Amitabh is shown eating in the
advertisement was probably imported from Switzerland, went through
multiple checks and was then cooked using complex technology
unavailable to the common man.
What we need is credible normal people eating chicken on the street.
Elections to the Corporation of the City of Panjim (CCP) are fast
approaching. Battle lines have been drawn. What is the biggest
question facing each candidate? "Should I appeal to the people's
civic sense or shall I promise them the works?" No! "Should I make
the garbage issue the main plank of my campaign or shall I focus on
the drainage problem?".
No! These matters are trivial. The question uppermost in candidates
minds is "What do I feed my workers, now that chicken is taboo?!!".
You see one of the benefits of being a worker for a candidate,
at any elections, is that one can consume unlimited chilled beer
and unlimited chicken (mostly chicken xacuti and bread). Now with
the bird flu scare what do the candidates feed their workers?
Bhaji-puri? They would defect immediately.
Fish is much too expensive. Mutton would alienate the
Christians, beef would alienate the Hindus and pork wouldn't go
down well with the Muslim voters. Consider also that with thirty
wards being carved out of a not-so-populous Panjim, almost every
voter is also a worker for some candidate. We are not just talking
of keeping workers happy, we are talking about keeping voters happy.
I suggest that all candidates have roadside election
meetings. At the very beginning of the meeting live chicken are
slaughtered and while the speeches are in progress the chicken is
cooked on the spot. The poultry farmers will surely give their
chickens free for such a good cause and the restaurant industry
will also give their equipment and cooks free. They all stand to
gain if this confidence building measure works. As soon as the
speeches conclude the candidate, with great fanfare, eats some
chicken himself, followed by the poultry farmers and the
restaurateurs. The workers will definitely join in on seeing this.
Panjim is the capital city of Goa. Panjim always leads the way.
Goa watches what happens in Panjim. The rest of the state will surely follow
suit and start eating chicken again. The country and the world will
get the message, "It's safe to eat chicken in Goa!"
The CCP candidates missed their chance during the Carnival Parades.
Cutting, cooking and eating chicken on a moving parade float-truck
would have got them international attention and praise. Instead we
had floats that magnified the bird flu scare. Having said that I
still say hats off to the float designers who overnight managed to
fabricate bird flu related floats. I hope the CCP candidates
will take my suggestion seriously and do the right thing for their
workers, voters and Goa in general. The Government has done all it
can by reacting immediately and taking all health precautions. Now
it is time for us Ponjekars to show the rest of Goa that "Chaka
Chak" can apply to "Chicken" too!.
And since the candidates won't have to spend so much money on their
workers perhaps we will get candidates elected who genuinely want
to serve the people, and not just those with the deepest pockets.
-----
The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated March 2nd
2006.
=====
Love in Goa
Love in Goa
More than a hundred years back!
By Cecil Pinto
It is a relatively unknown fact that the famous anthropologist Margaret Mead was born in exactly the same year Queen Victoria died - 1901. Even more interesting is the fact that Queen Victoria, just before her death, had anticipated the public interest in matters of Sex and Sexuality and had commissioned an Irish anthropologist Angelia Philcoxe to make a study of mating patterns in Goa. This study was commenced and initial findings were sent by Angelia to the Queen but they never did reach their destination. Angelia contracted a severe case of bronchitis while in Goa and virtually disappeared from scientific circles. Rumours, at the time, have it that she holed up in Anjuna and thus technically was probably the first hippie. But that is conjecture. Fragments of paper retrieved from a recently discovered shipwreck off the coast of Sicily are suspected to be the initial drafts of her study, "Coming of Age in Goa".
Below are some of the legible transcripts. Keep in mind this was written by an anthropologist somewhere in 1899 or thereabouts, and these are the only surviving
fragments of a much larger report.
"Soon after pubescence, marked by the Sacrament of Confirmation among Catholics and the String Ceremony among Hindus, the native Goan male will actively search for a mate. Having identified a worthy companion he will, through a mutual friend or relative, communicate his interest with the simple phrase, 'I am interested in you'. If reciprocated they go through a period of "being friendly". This is the equivalent of 'dating' or 'going steady' in Western society and not just being friends as the term implies.
It is quite common for a couple to go from being friendly to being married without being friendly with anyone else. But in the rare instance that someone was friendly with one person and ended up marrying another person, this fact is brought up in hushed whispers at the time of betrothal.. An admission of 'I am friendly with...' is as good as a lifetime commitment here in Goa.
"Youngsters with raging hormones find partners at various social functions, weddings being the most popular for 'checking out the goods' as we would say in Western parlance. The sequence of intimacy very much follows the Western mode of eye to body, eye to eye, voice to voice, hand to hand, arm to shoulder, arm to waist, mouth to mouth, hand to head, hand to body and so forth. In certain parts of South Goa, specially among the New Conquests, the intimacy sequence is not strictly followed and sometimes unpleasant situations follow as a result. In fact in these areas the standard 'interested' and 'friendly' sequence is superseded by asking 'Are you
giving?'. This is a literal translation of the Konkani phrase which probably could be read as 'Are you giving me your hand in marriage?' I will make an effort to study the language better."
"Church activities like nativity plays, carol singing, catechism, etc give hormonal members of the Catholic community ample opportunities to mix with the opposite gender. The Hindus have their mythological dramas called 'nataks' and also the ever popular late-night 'zatras' or vigilance festivals which allow for mixed gender social interaction. While coconuts and fruits are being auctioned off and the Monkey God Hanuman is whirling his mace on stage there is lots of circumspect intimacy among the members of the audience who have recently reached adulthood. I have heard reports from the neighbouring state of Bombay that a Konkani drama form called
'tiatr' is emerging among the Goans settled there. Perhaps when this comes to Goa the native Catholic teens here will have intermixing opportunities such as the 'natak' provides their Hindu counterparts now."
"The painstaking process of attempting to attract a member of the opposite sex to a 'friendly' stage is called 'line marring'. Whether this refers to blurring the line of the gender divide or a fishing line with a bait - as in angling, I have yet to decipher. But the latter explanation holds more probability as the female in a pairing is often referred to as a 'faskee' which is colloquial for one who is trapped."
"The equivalent of the English 'I love you' is, 'Hanv tujo mog kortam', which literally translates as 'I am making love to you'. Despite the suggestiveness of this phrase my studies show that instances of pre-marital sex among the natives of Goa are very rare. Extra-marital couplings among the landed aristocratic gentry, on the other hand, are much more frequent - in the absence of other forms of entertainment."
----------------
The article above appeared in Gomantak Times/Weekender dated 12th Feb 2006
as part of a Valentine Special Section.
========
This first of its kind Gulf-Goans e-newsletter archived at www.yahoogroups.com/group/gulf-goans is dedicated to Goans around the Globe and is moderated/edited by Gaspar Almeida (since 1994) and presented by Ulysses Menezes, owner of http://www.goa-world.com website.
EXPRESSIONS - The Flower Shop (Goa) www.goa-world.com/expressions/
THE GOAN FORUM http://www.colaco.net
GOENCHO ULO http://www.fullerlife.in
What young Goan parents dread
What young Goan parents dread
Four years of Konkani medium schooling
By Cecil Pinto
Last week I met my friend Yvonne who is the mother of two pre-primary children. As expected she was complaining about school admissions. Like every parent in her age group, and economic class, she wants her child to study in a school that has English as the medium of instruction. "How else will they be able to migrate to Canada after finishing college?". Yvonne
ranted on about how in 'our times' school admissions occurred in the first week of June. I told her about how in certain play-schools in Mumbai admissions are sought when the woman becomes pregnant. I kid you not. I have seen it first-hand at a prestigious play-school of a distant relative.
Admission to a particular play-school virtually guarantees admission to a particular good school which in turn makes admission to a particular college easy, which then makes it easier to get into a particular management (or whatever the current mantra is) institute. And then one can get married to a rich businessman and have society parties, or become a
call girl (at a Call Centre) and compete with a 12th standard pass who speaks better English! And take abuse over the phone from some loutish American who can't figure out why his car insurance premiums have suddenly gone up.
But let's come back to Goa. In 1990 the Goa Government made Konkani as the compulsory medium of instruction for Government assisted schools. People of my generation cheered loudly. We didn't have a clue what it entailed, but it seemed the right thing to do, as after all we had dug up roads to get
Konkani into the 8th Schedule of the Indian Constitution (whatever that means too!). We were happy for our 'mai bhas'. We didn't think of our children. We were not married. We didn't have children! Some of us are still not married, or don't have children, but that is another topic for another day.
There where whimpers of protest from some parents back then in the early nineties. But they were shoved aside as the dying shudders of an inflexible elitist section of society, who could not deal with the new math, leave alone 'ganit' (math in Konkani). Then the next generation, us, got married,
procreated and searched around for good gynecologists, pediatricians, maid servants, play-schools and agents who knew how to get a Portuguese Passport. We had everything going for us - including the Internet where one could download forms for migration to Australia. Play-schools were blooming by the dozen. Every bored housewife, and her sister-in-law, converted their spare bedroom or garage into a play-school and stuck colourful charts of fruits and numbers on the wall. And of course some cut-outs of Disney characters. The market responds to a need.
Translation into Portuguese, and attesting of documents, came down from Rs. 1000/- to Rs. 250/- per document. The number of gynecologists and pediatricians did not proportionately increase with the demand, but they started sending less time per patient and hence were able to see more patients per day - while simultaneously on the phone checking out competitive prices for luxury cars and investing in mutual funds. "Hello!
No! Not UTI! Anything but UTI. What sound? Oh! This kid's got an ear infection, I think. Nurse give her these antibiotics and check her weight. Next!! What about Kothak Mahendra? I'm buying a Mahendra Bolero next week. Doctor Kelekar has one already. Nurse, take his weight and give him some antibiotics. What? I didn't even ask what's wrong? Oops!". I've never been
inside the sacrosanct section of the gynecologists office but I can imagine him enquiring about stock options with his cell-phone in one gloved hand while...
Reliable non-underage, non-live-in maid servants of course still remain elusive.
Where were we? Aha! Now the admission to the dreaded First Standard suddenly looms large for parents of my generation. We pick up Admission Forms of every English Medium primary school in town. And a few good Konkani medium schools too, for good measure. We make phone calls and cajole and coax and beg anyone who can get our kids into a decent and inexpensive English medium primary school. The South Goans as usual over
dramatise the issue by standing in queue overnight for admission forms like over-age Harry Potter fans. "Hi Jacob. What are you doing here in the night in the open in the cold? What? I can't hear you. Your teeth are chattering with the cold. Presentation? What presentation? Who's making a
presentation in Margao? Bill Gates? Nani Palkhivala? Isn't he dead? Are you insane? Do you want to die of cold?"
Regarding this obsessive behavior, I've heard excuses from parents that range from the sublime to the ridiculous. "It's not about language, it's about opportunities", "The thought of me helping them out with their homework is frightening. I hate the Devnagri script!", "The language doesn't matter. I want this school because they imbibe a good sense of culture, discipline and ethics. I don't want my son ending up like a
politician, specially not a MLA from Benaulim!". Quite frankly I will send my children to an English medium primary school. I heard that the private sector banks are giving loans for just this purpose - English Medium School Admission. It's a more lucrative business than vehicle and housing loans.
And if you don't pay your installments in time they can always yank your kid out of school and keep him kneeling outside their office till you pay up!
Before the die-hard Konkani activists come to gherao me and paint my face black I will warn them that (a) My complexion is so dark it will not make a difference! (b) I love my 'mai bhas', as much as, if not more, than any of them - and can curse in both scripts. (c) I will only entertain protestors
who can give me signed and notarised affidavits stating that: (1) Their children are currently studying in Konkani medium primary schools (2) They have never tried to seek admission in an English medium primary school (3) The MLAs , politicians and business men who support them also have their children currently studying, or having studied, in Konkani medium primary schools.
-------
The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated February 9th 2006.
=======
(courtesy: THE GOAN FORUM
http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/goa-goans )
www.colaco.net
Four years of Konkani medium schooling
By Cecil Pinto
Last week I met my friend Yvonne who is the mother of two pre-primary children. As expected she was complaining about school admissions. Like every parent in her age group, and economic class, she wants her child to study in a school that has English as the medium of instruction. "How else will they be able to migrate to Canada after finishing college?". Yvonne
ranted on about how in 'our times' school admissions occurred in the first week of June. I told her about how in certain play-schools in Mumbai admissions are sought when the woman becomes pregnant. I kid you not. I have seen it first-hand at a prestigious play-school of a distant relative.
Admission to a particular play-school virtually guarantees admission to a particular good school which in turn makes admission to a particular college easy, which then makes it easier to get into a particular management (or whatever the current mantra is) institute. And then one can get married to a rich businessman and have society parties, or become a
call girl (at a Call Centre) and compete with a 12th standard pass who speaks better English! And take abuse over the phone from some loutish American who can't figure out why his car insurance premiums have suddenly gone up.
But let's come back to Goa. In 1990 the Goa Government made Konkani as the compulsory medium of instruction for Government assisted schools. People of my generation cheered loudly. We didn't have a clue what it entailed, but it seemed the right thing to do, as after all we had dug up roads to get
Konkani into the 8th Schedule of the Indian Constitution (whatever that means too!). We were happy for our 'mai bhas'. We didn't think of our children. We were not married. We didn't have children! Some of us are still not married, or don't have children, but that is another topic for another day.
There where whimpers of protest from some parents back then in the early nineties. But they were shoved aside as the dying shudders of an inflexible elitist section of society, who could not deal with the new math, leave alone 'ganit' (math in Konkani). Then the next generation, us, got married,
procreated and searched around for good gynecologists, pediatricians, maid servants, play-schools and agents who knew how to get a Portuguese Passport. We had everything going for us - including the Internet where one could download forms for migration to Australia. Play-schools were blooming by the dozen. Every bored housewife, and her sister-in-law, converted their spare bedroom or garage into a play-school and stuck colourful charts of fruits and numbers on the wall. And of course some cut-outs of Disney characters. The market responds to a need.
Translation into Portuguese, and attesting of documents, came down from Rs. 1000/- to Rs. 250/- per document. The number of gynecologists and pediatricians did not proportionately increase with the demand, but they started sending less time per patient and hence were able to see more patients per day - while simultaneously on the phone checking out competitive prices for luxury cars and investing in mutual funds. "Hello!
No! Not UTI! Anything but UTI. What sound? Oh! This kid's got an ear infection, I think. Nurse give her these antibiotics and check her weight. Next!! What about Kothak Mahendra? I'm buying a Mahendra Bolero next week. Doctor Kelekar has one already. Nurse, take his weight and give him some antibiotics. What? I didn't even ask what's wrong? Oops!". I've never been
inside the sacrosanct section of the gynecologists office but I can imagine him enquiring about stock options with his cell-phone in one gloved hand while...
Reliable non-underage, non-live-in maid servants of course still remain elusive.
Where were we? Aha! Now the admission to the dreaded First Standard suddenly looms large for parents of my generation. We pick up Admission Forms of every English Medium primary school in town. And a few good Konkani medium schools too, for good measure. We make phone calls and cajole and coax and beg anyone who can get our kids into a decent and inexpensive English medium primary school. The South Goans as usual over
dramatise the issue by standing in queue overnight for admission forms like over-age Harry Potter fans. "Hi Jacob. What are you doing here in the night in the open in the cold? What? I can't hear you. Your teeth are chattering with the cold. Presentation? What presentation? Who's making a
presentation in Margao? Bill Gates? Nani Palkhivala? Isn't he dead? Are you insane? Do you want to die of cold?"
Regarding this obsessive behavior, I've heard excuses from parents that range from the sublime to the ridiculous. "It's not about language, it's about opportunities", "The thought of me helping them out with their homework is frightening. I hate the Devnagri script!", "The language doesn't matter. I want this school because they imbibe a good sense of culture, discipline and ethics. I don't want my son ending up like a
politician, specially not a MLA from Benaulim!". Quite frankly I will send my children to an English medium primary school. I heard that the private sector banks are giving loans for just this purpose - English Medium School Admission. It's a more lucrative business than vehicle and housing loans.
And if you don't pay your installments in time they can always yank your kid out of school and keep him kneeling outside their office till you pay up!
Before the die-hard Konkani activists come to gherao me and paint my face black I will warn them that (a) My complexion is so dark it will not make a difference! (b) I love my 'mai bhas', as much as, if not more, than any of them - and can curse in both scripts. (c) I will only entertain protestors
who can give me signed and notarised affidavits stating that: (1) Their children are currently studying in Konkani medium primary schools (2) They have never tried to seek admission in an English medium primary school (3) The MLAs , politicians and business men who support them also have their children currently studying, or having studied, in Konkani medium primary schools.
-------
The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated February 9th 2006.
=======
(courtesy: THE GOAN FORUM
http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/goa-goans )
www.colaco.net
Surviving Wedding Receptions
Surviving Wedding Receptions
A first-person book review by the author
By Cecil Pinto
Since nobody seems to be buying my latest guide-book, leave alone reviewing
it, I have decided to review it myself. "1,200 copies in print! The perfect
wedding gift!", reads the blurb of Cecil Pinto's latest offering,
"Surviving Goan Catholic Wedding Receptions: A must-have Manual and Guide".
A worthy successor to last year's "Surviving the Nuptial Mass", from the
author's Goan Guidebooks series whose combined readership must be in the
millions. In fact "Surviving Calangute in Peak Season" has gone into its
second edition. I particularly remember a succinct phrase from the
'Nuptials' primer (the introductory paragraph of the chapter, "Ten things
to do with the stupid Mass Booklet"). I quote, "Keep in mind that the
entire fifty copies of this totally unnecessary booklet has been printed on
the office computer, an immoral act that also harms the environment.
The precious few who still attend nuptials will bear in mind that the main
purpose of attending is to observe sacrilegious acts committed by the other
side of the family. This cannot be done efficiently if you're busy
examining the beautifully formatted Mass Booklet embellished
un-aesthetically with disproportionate clipart of doves, hearts and what
distinctively look like Christmas Bells. Pay attention to the homily and
responses uttered by the main celebrant and stop reading them from the
booklet!"
In fact so many such gems of advice abound in the latest book,
"Surviving Goan Catholic Wedding Receptions", that I will take a back seat
as a reviewer and just quote from the book.
Quote from Chapter 1, "The Beginning of the Blame Game".
"Mummy why are they sitting quietly in the wedding car?" In the last few
decades parents have had to hear this question and find it difficult to
explain why the bridal couple are having their first marital silent fight
in a beautifully decorated wedding car a few hundred meters from the
reception venue. As always happens, despite the very modern and
cosmopolitan couple having printed "7.30 p.m sharp" on the wedding invite,
none of the guests see it fit to arrive anytime before 8.45 p.m. Which
means the bridal couple has to wait outside the hall till sufficient guests
have accumulated to have a proper wedding march. The bride blames the
groom's people for being late, and vice versa. This blame game will
continue through the celebrations with each side finding flaw in whatever
the other side has arranged for. If the Master of Ceremonies lacks pizzazz
the bride's father will make it known that he had suggested hiring Alan
Pinto, who would have done a much better job. And the groom's brother
will casually mention that he could have got Alcatrazz to play, which would
have been much better than the clowns the bride's people hired - who can't
differentiate between a fox trot and a waltz. How does one explain all
this inter-family rivalry to a little child? Does one just go with the flow?
Why do guests at St. Estevam have a full dinner at home and only then
suit-boot themselves up and leisurely stroll over to the Casa da Povo hall,
ensuring the wedding march will never begin before midnight? Let's attempt
answering these questions with...
Quote from Chapter 2, "Things that go Blast in the Night"
In recent times firework displays have become a compulsory part of the
celebrations. Considering that till date no major fires have broken out as
a consequence, this author considers them a very low risk factor. Far more
dangerous are the two cylindrical upright pipes, stuffed with confetti,
that explode very noisily around the time of the cake cutting. Elderly
people, and those with heart problems, are advised to sit on their haunches
and shove their fingers in their ears around this time. People with
semi-senile parents please ensure that their hands are free of those tiny
thermacol balls, that are distributed for throwing on the bridal couple as
they enter the hall. A case has been reported from Bicholim where
extraction of one such ball from the ear of an elderly gentleman had to be
performed in a nearby hospital. Apparently he shoved his finger in his ear
to avoid the blast and shoved a thermacol ball deep into his ear in the
process.
The aerosol cans which spray strings, jets and showers of 'white stuff'
have not been proven to have any health risks but it is advisable to use
them from at least one meter away from intended victim. What is
questionable though is the sheer aggressiveness with which these spray cans
are used. Is it to temporarily decorate the couple, or is it a subconscious
attack on the groom for snaring the prize girl that we all salivated over
frustratedly right through high-school and college?
Chapter 3, "The March of the Tunnels"
Enterprising MCs have been known to use their skills to keep the tunnel
going for a full five rounds. The tunnel as you know is formed by couples
standing apart and holding hands under which the next couple passes and
follows suit. It is considered mathematically appropriate to extend this
totally mindless ritual for two whole rounds within which each couple has
had a chance to form a tunnel and march under it twice. But certain
sadistic MCs use this opportunity to vent their frustration (at having been
present from 6 p.m for a wedding that was supposed to commence at 7.30 p.m
and eventually started at 9.30 p.m.) by having the tunneling go on
endlessly - thus aggravating claustrophobia and spondylitis. My advice is
to grin and bear it. Later in the reception you can get even with the MC by
just refusing to join the crowd on the dance floor. Remember an MC in Goa
is graded as being good only if he can convince the maximum people to
dance. All other criteria of his performance are incidental.
------
I seem to have run out of space but will continue this review at some
later date. Join me then in previewing further chapters on surviving
receptions entitled, "The Never Ending Toast", "Watered down Whiskey",
"Snacking up for the Long Wait", "Positioning is Everything: Between the Bar
and the Buffet", "In-your-face Video", "Grin and bear the Flash", "Cha.. Cha..
Change the music!", "MC who thinks he's a Drillmaster", "Encircling the
Bride/Groom", "The Death of Birdy Dance, Macarena and Ketchup Song",
"Escaping the Masala Mix", "Presents in Presence only", "Heaping Twelve
Items in One Dinner Plate", "Distinguishing between Décor and Edibles",
"How much Dessert is Enough?", "Hernia-philia: Four Enthusiastic Friends,
a Chair and an Overweight Groom" etc etc.
------
The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 2nd February 2006
===
This first of its kind Gulf-Goans e-newsletter archived at www.yahoogroups.com/group/gulf-goans is dedicated to Goans around the Globe and is moderated/edited by Gaspar Almeida (since 1994) and presented by Ulysses Menezes, owner of http://www.goa-world.com website.
EXPRESSIONS - The Flower Shop (Goa) www.goa-world.com/expressions/
THE GOAN FORUM http://www.colaco.net
GOENCHO ULO http://www.fullerlife.in
A first-person book review by the author
By Cecil Pinto
Since nobody seems to be buying my latest guide-book, leave alone reviewing
it, I have decided to review it myself. "1,200 copies in print! The perfect
wedding gift!", reads the blurb of Cecil Pinto's latest offering,
"Surviving Goan Catholic Wedding Receptions: A must-have Manual and Guide".
A worthy successor to last year's "Surviving the Nuptial Mass", from the
author's Goan Guidebooks series whose combined readership must be in the
millions. In fact "Surviving Calangute in Peak Season" has gone into its
second edition. I particularly remember a succinct phrase from the
'Nuptials' primer (the introductory paragraph of the chapter, "Ten things
to do with the stupid Mass Booklet"). I quote, "Keep in mind that the
entire fifty copies of this totally unnecessary booklet has been printed on
the office computer, an immoral act that also harms the environment.
The precious few who still attend nuptials will bear in mind that the main
purpose of attending is to observe sacrilegious acts committed by the other
side of the family. This cannot be done efficiently if you're busy
examining the beautifully formatted Mass Booklet embellished
un-aesthetically with disproportionate clipart of doves, hearts and what
distinctively look like Christmas Bells. Pay attention to the homily and
responses uttered by the main celebrant and stop reading them from the
booklet!"
In fact so many such gems of advice abound in the latest book,
"Surviving Goan Catholic Wedding Receptions", that I will take a back seat
as a reviewer and just quote from the book.
Quote from Chapter 1, "The Beginning of the Blame Game".
"Mummy why are they sitting quietly in the wedding car?" In the last few
decades parents have had to hear this question and find it difficult to
explain why the bridal couple are having their first marital silent fight
in a beautifully decorated wedding car a few hundred meters from the
reception venue. As always happens, despite the very modern and
cosmopolitan couple having printed "7.30 p.m sharp" on the wedding invite,
none of the guests see it fit to arrive anytime before 8.45 p.m. Which
means the bridal couple has to wait outside the hall till sufficient guests
have accumulated to have a proper wedding march. The bride blames the
groom's people for being late, and vice versa. This blame game will
continue through the celebrations with each side finding flaw in whatever
the other side has arranged for. If the Master of Ceremonies lacks pizzazz
the bride's father will make it known that he had suggested hiring Alan
Pinto, who would have done a much better job. And the groom's brother
will casually mention that he could have got Alcatrazz to play, which would
have been much better than the clowns the bride's people hired - who can't
differentiate between a fox trot and a waltz. How does one explain all
this inter-family rivalry to a little child? Does one just go with the flow?
Why do guests at St. Estevam have a full dinner at home and only then
suit-boot themselves up and leisurely stroll over to the Casa da Povo hall,
ensuring the wedding march will never begin before midnight? Let's attempt
answering these questions with...
Quote from Chapter 2, "Things that go Blast in the Night"
In recent times firework displays have become a compulsory part of the
celebrations. Considering that till date no major fires have broken out as
a consequence, this author considers them a very low risk factor. Far more
dangerous are the two cylindrical upright pipes, stuffed with confetti,
that explode very noisily around the time of the cake cutting. Elderly
people, and those with heart problems, are advised to sit on their haunches
and shove their fingers in their ears around this time. People with
semi-senile parents please ensure that their hands are free of those tiny
thermacol balls, that are distributed for throwing on the bridal couple as
they enter the hall. A case has been reported from Bicholim where
extraction of one such ball from the ear of an elderly gentleman had to be
performed in a nearby hospital. Apparently he shoved his finger in his ear
to avoid the blast and shoved a thermacol ball deep into his ear in the
process.
The aerosol cans which spray strings, jets and showers of 'white stuff'
have not been proven to have any health risks but it is advisable to use
them from at least one meter away from intended victim. What is
questionable though is the sheer aggressiveness with which these spray cans
are used. Is it to temporarily decorate the couple, or is it a subconscious
attack on the groom for snaring the prize girl that we all salivated over
frustratedly right through high-school and college?
Chapter 3, "The March of the Tunnels"
Enterprising MCs have been known to use their skills to keep the tunnel
going for a full five rounds. The tunnel as you know is formed by couples
standing apart and holding hands under which the next couple passes and
follows suit. It is considered mathematically appropriate to extend this
totally mindless ritual for two whole rounds within which each couple has
had a chance to form a tunnel and march under it twice. But certain
sadistic MCs use this opportunity to vent their frustration (at having been
present from 6 p.m for a wedding that was supposed to commence at 7.30 p.m
and eventually started at 9.30 p.m.) by having the tunneling go on
endlessly - thus aggravating claustrophobia and spondylitis. My advice is
to grin and bear it. Later in the reception you can get even with the MC by
just refusing to join the crowd on the dance floor. Remember an MC in Goa
is graded as being good only if he can convince the maximum people to
dance. All other criteria of his performance are incidental.
------
I seem to have run out of space but will continue this review at some
later date. Join me then in previewing further chapters on surviving
receptions entitled, "The Never Ending Toast", "Watered down Whiskey",
"Snacking up for the Long Wait", "Positioning is Everything: Between the Bar
and the Buffet", "In-your-face Video", "Grin and bear the Flash", "Cha.. Cha..
Change the music!", "MC who thinks he's a Drillmaster", "Encircling the
Bride/Groom", "The Death of Birdy Dance, Macarena and Ketchup Song",
"Escaping the Masala Mix", "Presents in Presence only", "Heaping Twelve
Items in One Dinner Plate", "Distinguishing between Décor and Edibles",
"How much Dessert is Enough?", "Hernia-philia: Four Enthusiastic Friends,
a Chair and an Overweight Groom" etc etc.
------
The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 2nd February 2006
===
This first of its kind Gulf-Goans e-newsletter archived at www.yahoogroups.com/group/gulf-goans is dedicated to Goans around the Globe and is moderated/edited by Gaspar Almeida (since 1994) and presented by Ulysses Menezes, owner of http://www.goa-world.com website.
EXPRESSIONS - The Flower Shop (Goa) www.goa-world.com/expressions/
THE GOAN FORUM http://www.colaco.net
GOENCHO ULO http://www.fullerlife.in
Merging with Maharashtra
Merging with Maharashtra
Perhaps the anti-merger movement got it wrong
- By Cecil Pinto
Just last week the annual hoopla surrounding Road Safety Week ("Are our roads really safe?", "Do Goan drivers have civic sense?" blah, blah, blah...) was finally over.
Now starts the annual hoopla surrounding the Opinion Poll. Reams of newspaper space will be dedicated to that historic poll on 16th January 1967 where Goans overwhelmingly voted that we wanted a separate identity, and did not want to be merge with
Maharashtra.
Newspaper columnists will reminiscence on how all Goans united to fight off the threat of merger.
The phrase "regardless of caste or creed" will be repeated ad nauseam.
A little known historical fact is that the villages of Moira and Benaulim were offered to Maharashtra as a token gesture, but the offer was refused. Whether the refusal was because of geographical incongruity, or other factors, is a matter shrouded in history.
But that is another topic for another day.
I was discussing the issue with my friend Ganpat whose father was a keen pro-merger politician and a stalwart of the Maharashtra Gomantak Party at the time.
Ganpat too feels that we should have merged with Maharashtra. I suspect Ganpat agrees with his father more because he hopes to inherit his father's tenancy rights over some prime property in Pernem, rather than out of any genuine conviction. Ganpat is a well-to-do PWD engineer, but land is land and greed is greed.
Regardless I feel Ganpat has a few valid points and these deserve to be heard.
"And Cecil, have you ever given thought to the bar girls issue?"
"But Ganpat, What has that got to do with the merger?"
"If we were part of Maharashtra we would have had bar girls too. Now we have to go all the way to Mumbai to watch them gyrate to loud filmi music as we drink horribly overpriced liquor under dim lights."
"But I heard many of these bar girls are resettling in Goa."
"No yaaar. They are not resettling. They are reinventing themselves. They come here to work as call girls.
We Goan guys don't want to pay for sex.
Just some sexy entertainment while we drink."
"Ganpat, let's not forget the main issue. What possible advantage could we have got from merging with Maharashtra?"
"Well phone calls would have been cheaper to Mumbai. You know I'm in the printing business. I phone Mumbai about eight times a day and go to Mumbai at least five times a month and..."
"My Aunt Merzina lives in Borivali but still thinks of herself a Mumbaikar.
I keep reminding her that you, Ganpat, visit Mumbai proper more often in a month than she has in the last five years!!!"
"Anyway coming back to what I was saying. My phone calls to Mumbai are killing me.
If we were merged with Maharashtra they would be local calls!"
"Surely Ganpat, there must be some more compelling arguments for merger with Maharashtra."
"You want compelling reasons? Ok how about this. The Mopa airport would not be an issue.
They say only Maharashtra will benefit.
But if we were part of Maharashtra ..."
"Ok. You have a point there.
But what about the fact of our Goan identity being submerged?
"This Goan identity thing is a myth. The tenant farmer in Sattari has nothing in common with the bhatkar in Salcete who in turn has nothing in common with a teenage Goan girl in Canada who has never even been to Goa."
"What would be the fate of our mother tongue Konkani?
It would surely die."
"Ha! Konkani will never die as long as we speak, read and write it.
If we were merged with Maharashtra at least this script issue would not be a problem. Devnagri would be the only script.
And you think that making Konkani the medium of instruction has helped? Go and see the lines for admission into English medium primary schools and you will understand that ..."
"Ganpat, I think we're digressing. How would the Goan people gain if we had merged with Maharashtra?"
"Man-hours and statues."
"Man-hours and statues? Huh?"
"Do you know how many man-hours are spent every year discussing issues about Goan identity and non-Goan in-migration and Konkani script and such stuff?
If we were merged with Maharashtra these would not be an issue and we could use the same man-hours to do productive work."
"Hmmmm. And what's this about statues?"
"Look at it this way Cecil. They're asking for a statue of Dr. Jack Sequeira to be installed at Panjim.
A committee will be formed. The RSS will object and say that a statue of Naguesh Karmali should be installed instead. In the Committee itself there will be infighting on the pose for the statue.
Should Sequeira be shown speaking at a mike or casting his vote? The Nationalists will insist that he be shown wearing a kurta pyjama and not 'western' clothing.
The South Goans will insist that the statue be installed in Margao as Salcete was the stronghold of the anti-mergerists.
The Freedom Fighters will form a Samiti and demand that all cities should be renamed with a 'pur' suffix - Panjimpur, Margaopur, Vascopur..."
"And Ganpat, what would be different if we were part of Maharashtra?"
"Firstly there would be no statue required. Secondly if a statue was required someone just has to suggest that a statue of Shivaji Maharaj be put up instead and nobody would dare to object! So many man-hours wasted on discussion would be saved. In fact even today we celebrate Maharashtrian language and culture so much more than our own that I don't see why that Opinion Poll was held at all."
-----
The humnour column above appeared in Gomantak Times
dated 19th January 2006
====
- Forwarded by www.goa-world.com
This first of its kind Gulf-Goans e-newsletter archived at www.yahoogroups.com/group/gulf-goans is dedicated to Goans around the Globe and is moderated/edited by Gaspar Almeida (since 1994) and presented by Ulysses Menezes, owner of http://www.goa-world.com website.
EXPRESSIONS - The Flower Shop (Goa) www.goa-world.com/expressions/
THE GOAN FORUM http://www.colaco.net
SUPERGOA http://www.supergoa.com
MANGALOREAN.COM http://www.mangalorean.com
GULAB http://www.gulabonline.com
GOENCHO ULO http://www.fullerlife.in
DAAIZ http://www.daaiz.com
V-IXTT http://www.v-ixtt.com
An occasion to celebrate.....the Mangalore Airport. Read www.daijiworld.com
Perhaps the anti-merger movement got it wrong
- By Cecil Pinto
Just last week the annual hoopla surrounding Road Safety Week ("Are our roads really safe?", "Do Goan drivers have civic sense?" blah, blah, blah...) was finally over.
Now starts the annual hoopla surrounding the Opinion Poll. Reams of newspaper space will be dedicated to that historic poll on 16th January 1967 where Goans overwhelmingly voted that we wanted a separate identity, and did not want to be merge with
Maharashtra.
Newspaper columnists will reminiscence on how all Goans united to fight off the threat of merger.
The phrase "regardless of caste or creed" will be repeated ad nauseam.
A little known historical fact is that the villages of Moira and Benaulim were offered to Maharashtra as a token gesture, but the offer was refused. Whether the refusal was because of geographical incongruity, or other factors, is a matter shrouded in history.
But that is another topic for another day.
I was discussing the issue with my friend Ganpat whose father was a keen pro-merger politician and a stalwart of the Maharashtra Gomantak Party at the time.
Ganpat too feels that we should have merged with Maharashtra. I suspect Ganpat agrees with his father more because he hopes to inherit his father's tenancy rights over some prime property in Pernem, rather than out of any genuine conviction. Ganpat is a well-to-do PWD engineer, but land is land and greed is greed.
Regardless I feel Ganpat has a few valid points and these deserve to be heard.
"And Cecil, have you ever given thought to the bar girls issue?"
"But Ganpat, What has that got to do with the merger?"
"If we were part of Maharashtra we would have had bar girls too. Now we have to go all the way to Mumbai to watch them gyrate to loud filmi music as we drink horribly overpriced liquor under dim lights."
"But I heard many of these bar girls are resettling in Goa."
"No yaaar. They are not resettling. They are reinventing themselves. They come here to work as call girls.
We Goan guys don't want to pay for sex.
Just some sexy entertainment while we drink."
"Ganpat, let's not forget the main issue. What possible advantage could we have got from merging with Maharashtra?"
"Well phone calls would have been cheaper to Mumbai. You know I'm in the printing business. I phone Mumbai about eight times a day and go to Mumbai at least five times a month and..."
"My Aunt Merzina lives in Borivali but still thinks of herself a Mumbaikar.
I keep reminding her that you, Ganpat, visit Mumbai proper more often in a month than she has in the last five years!!!"
"Anyway coming back to what I was saying. My phone calls to Mumbai are killing me.
If we were merged with Maharashtra they would be local calls!"
"Surely Ganpat, there must be some more compelling arguments for merger with Maharashtra."
"You want compelling reasons? Ok how about this. The Mopa airport would not be an issue.
They say only Maharashtra will benefit.
But if we were part of Maharashtra ..."
"Ok. You have a point there.
But what about the fact of our Goan identity being submerged?
"This Goan identity thing is a myth. The tenant farmer in Sattari has nothing in common with the bhatkar in Salcete who in turn has nothing in common with a teenage Goan girl in Canada who has never even been to Goa."
"What would be the fate of our mother tongue Konkani?
It would surely die."
"Ha! Konkani will never die as long as we speak, read and write it.
If we were merged with Maharashtra at least this script issue would not be a problem. Devnagri would be the only script.
And you think that making Konkani the medium of instruction has helped? Go and see the lines for admission into English medium primary schools and you will understand that ..."
"Ganpat, I think we're digressing. How would the Goan people gain if we had merged with Maharashtra?"
"Man-hours and statues."
"Man-hours and statues? Huh?"
"Do you know how many man-hours are spent every year discussing issues about Goan identity and non-Goan in-migration and Konkani script and such stuff?
If we were merged with Maharashtra these would not be an issue and we could use the same man-hours to do productive work."
"Hmmmm. And what's this about statues?"
"Look at it this way Cecil. They're asking for a statue of Dr. Jack Sequeira to be installed at Panjim.
A committee will be formed. The RSS will object and say that a statue of Naguesh Karmali should be installed instead. In the Committee itself there will be infighting on the pose for the statue.
Should Sequeira be shown speaking at a mike or casting his vote? The Nationalists will insist that he be shown wearing a kurta pyjama and not 'western' clothing.
The South Goans will insist that the statue be installed in Margao as Salcete was the stronghold of the anti-mergerists.
The Freedom Fighters will form a Samiti and demand that all cities should be renamed with a 'pur' suffix - Panjimpur, Margaopur, Vascopur..."
"And Ganpat, what would be different if we were part of Maharashtra?"
"Firstly there would be no statue required. Secondly if a statue was required someone just has to suggest that a statue of Shivaji Maharaj be put up instead and nobody would dare to object! So many man-hours wasted on discussion would be saved. In fact even today we celebrate Maharashtrian language and culture so much more than our own that I don't see why that Opinion Poll was held at all."
-----
The humnour column above appeared in Gomantak Times
dated 19th January 2006
====
- Forwarded by www.goa-world.com
This first of its kind Gulf-Goans e-newsletter archived at www.yahoogroups.com/group/gulf-goans is dedicated to Goans around the Globe and is moderated/edited by Gaspar Almeida (since 1994) and presented by Ulysses Menezes, owner of http://www.goa-world.com website.
EXPRESSIONS - The Flower Shop (Goa) www.goa-world.com/expressions/
THE GOAN FORUM http://www.colaco.net
SUPERGOA http://www.supergoa.com
MANGALOREAN.COM http://www.mangalorean.com
GULAB http://www.gulabonline.com
GOENCHO ULO http://www.fullerlife.in
DAAIZ http://www.daaiz.com
V-IXTT http://www.v-ixtt.com
An occasion to celebrate.....the Mangalore Airport. Read www.daijiworld.com
Sponsored Wedding Receptions
Sponsored Wedding Receptions
Let the good times roll - for everyone.
- By Cecil Pinto
"Hello! Hello! Is this Kingfisher Villa?"
"Yes."
"Can I speak with Dr. Mallya please?"
"Just call me King. And who are you?"
"Cecil Pinto at your humble service, King. I bring you greetings and
salutations from Aldona, Miramar and Panjim. May your brands fly as your logo does. May competitors, who use gimmicks like giving money prizes under
crown caps, keep losing elections. May you and your family always prosper
and..."
"Cut the crap! What do you want?"
"Ok, King. I have a business proposal for you."
"Speak man. Speak up!"
"You can't hear me? SHOULD I SPEAK LOUDER. IS THIS OK?"
"Stop shouting into the phone. Speak up about your business proposal. I
don't have much time to spare. Speak fast man. You're wasting my time!"
"Ok! Ok! See I celebrate my tenth Wedding Anniversary in May next year."
"And?"
"I was thinking you could sponsor the entire celebrations."
"What? Why should I sponsor your Anniversary celebrations?"
"You sponsor events don't you?"
"I sponsor public events."
"My anniversary is a public event. All my friends and relatives are public
people. In fact most of them are so public that you wouldn't notice them in
a crowd. Some of them are absolutely mediocre. In fact my cousin ..."
"But this is unheard of! Liquor companies don't sponsor private parties."
"Why do you sponsor anything at all?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you sponsor an event, why do you do it?"
"For publicity, goodwill, brand building...."
"And you think my Wedding Anniversary will not get you publicity? It will
be the first of its type. Think of the press coverage, and goodwill. Have
you ever been to a regular Goan Catholic wedding? Goodwill is there in
fortified doses. The only antagonism is between the bride and groom's
families. But since we've been married ten years that should not be an
issue anymore. I hope. Except for this one brother-in-law who..."
"Ok! Ok! Carry on and stop digressing. You have my ear."
"I want your money, I mean sponsorship. What will I do with your ear? I
already have two ears. There was a song by Alfred Rose about a boy who
had no ears, and his mother donated her ears, and on her deathbed the boy..."
"Will you please stick to this sponsorship proposal of yours!"
"Ok! Ok! Here's what. I print your logo on all the wedding invites and mass
booklets."
"What are mass booklets? Do they have mass appeal?"
"Yes. Very much! At the reception we have signage of your products very
prominently displayed. Banners, cutouts, danglers, balloons whatever.
As long as it's tastefully done. We serve only your products - beer,
whiskey, mineral water..."
"Goan wedding receptions don't have your famous Caju Feni served?"
"Strangely no longer. A bottle of Feni is sometimes kept for the border
ceremony."
"Borda? Isn't that near Margao? Is it that important?"
"Don't bother. Only seems that way."
"Ok. Now let's talk money. How much is this reception sponsoring thing
going to cost me?
"I've not finished. Next day is the porton, a small reception hosted by the
bride's folks. You will be paying for this too."
"You must be kidding. They have a porton ceremony for a Wedding
Anniversary?"
"I do."
"Isn't that what you Catholics say when exchanging vows?"
"I did not. That was in the olden days when people were illiterate. Now you
have to recite the vows yourself. You've never really been to a normal Goan
Catholic wedding have you, King?"
"No. All my friends are rich people. We have mega blasts. Never anything
small or normal."
"Would you like to attend a typical Goan Catholic wedding ceremony?"
"I would love to attend. Nobody invites me."
"Attend mine! Rs. 2,000/- per head. Ladies, and children below twelve, half
rate. Unlimited drinks and eats. Live music. Spot prizes. Fun for the entire family... "
"I sponsor your celebration and I have to pay to attend?"
"Not you. But your friends will surely want to attend. They will have to
pay. Or you can buy some invites and mail to them. Oh! And by tradition
they have to bring decent presents. Can't break tradition now can we?"
"But me and my friends would like to attend a typical Goan Catholic
wedding, and not this sponsored Anniversary celebrations you're proposing."
"King, King! Why don't you understand? After my celebration this will be
the typical wedding in the future. We have allowed commercial sponsors to
invade every aspect of our lives. From Parish Fetes to Feast Souvenirs to
Crib Competitons. This is the logical next step. Weddings, Christenings,
First Communions... Let the sponsors in with open arms. Not all of us can
afford lavish receptions. This is a decent compromise. You get publicity,
goodwill and decent branding. Your non-local friends get to participate in
local ceremonies. We get our celebrations paid for. Everyone's happy."
"Sounds interesting. How much money are we talking about? Where is the
main reception? What is the entertainment?"
"I was thinking of the Mariott maybe and then the porton at Fort Aguada
Beach Resort. Guests could be accommodated at the same hotels and
transported by your yacht and helicopter. And I was thinking of maybe Billy
Joel, Britney Spears and Madonna to start off the show. Then a small
Russian Ballet troop, an item number by Yana Gupta and Abhishek
Bachchan, a Laser Lights show..."
"This sounds even bigger than my fiftieth birthday bash! Was your wedding
reception ten years back so grand?"
"Naaah! But I didn't have a sponsor that time!"
------
The humour column above appeared in the December 22nd 2005 issue of
Gomantak Times
===
(Graphics and pictures input courtesy: www.goa-world.com extracts from
http://www.flykingfisher.com/ website)
Let the good times roll - for everyone.
- By Cecil Pinto
"Hello! Hello! Is this Kingfisher Villa?"
"Yes."
"Can I speak with Dr. Mallya please?"
"Just call me King. And who are you?"
"Cecil Pinto at your humble service, King. I bring you greetings and
salutations from Aldona, Miramar and Panjim. May your brands fly as your logo does. May competitors, who use gimmicks like giving money prizes under
crown caps, keep losing elections. May you and your family always prosper
and..."
"Cut the crap! What do you want?"
"Ok, King. I have a business proposal for you."
"Speak man. Speak up!"
"You can't hear me? SHOULD I SPEAK LOUDER. IS THIS OK?"
"Stop shouting into the phone. Speak up about your business proposal. I
don't have much time to spare. Speak fast man. You're wasting my time!"
"Ok! Ok! See I celebrate my tenth Wedding Anniversary in May next year."
"And?"
"I was thinking you could sponsor the entire celebrations."
"What? Why should I sponsor your Anniversary celebrations?"
"You sponsor events don't you?"
"I sponsor public events."
"My anniversary is a public event. All my friends and relatives are public
people. In fact most of them are so public that you wouldn't notice them in
a crowd. Some of them are absolutely mediocre. In fact my cousin ..."
"But this is unheard of! Liquor companies don't sponsor private parties."
"Why do you sponsor anything at all?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you sponsor an event, why do you do it?"
"For publicity, goodwill, brand building...."
"And you think my Wedding Anniversary will not get you publicity? It will
be the first of its type. Think of the press coverage, and goodwill. Have
you ever been to a regular Goan Catholic wedding? Goodwill is there in
fortified doses. The only antagonism is between the bride and groom's
families. But since we've been married ten years that should not be an
issue anymore. I hope. Except for this one brother-in-law who..."
"Ok! Ok! Carry on and stop digressing. You have my ear."
"I want your money, I mean sponsorship. What will I do with your ear? I
already have two ears. There was a song by Alfred Rose about a boy who
had no ears, and his mother donated her ears, and on her deathbed the boy..."
"Will you please stick to this sponsorship proposal of yours!"
"Ok! Ok! Here's what. I print your logo on all the wedding invites and mass
booklets."
"What are mass booklets? Do they have mass appeal?"
"Yes. Very much! At the reception we have signage of your products very
prominently displayed. Banners, cutouts, danglers, balloons whatever.
As long as it's tastefully done. We serve only your products - beer,
whiskey, mineral water..."
"Goan wedding receptions don't have your famous Caju Feni served?"
"Strangely no longer. A bottle of Feni is sometimes kept for the border
ceremony."
"Borda? Isn't that near Margao? Is it that important?"
"Don't bother. Only seems that way."
"Ok. Now let's talk money. How much is this reception sponsoring thing
going to cost me?
"I've not finished. Next day is the porton, a small reception hosted by the
bride's folks. You will be paying for this too."
"You must be kidding. They have a porton ceremony for a Wedding
Anniversary?"
"I do."
"Isn't that what you Catholics say when exchanging vows?"
"I did not. That was in the olden days when people were illiterate. Now you
have to recite the vows yourself. You've never really been to a normal Goan
Catholic wedding have you, King?"
"No. All my friends are rich people. We have mega blasts. Never anything
small or normal."
"Would you like to attend a typical Goan Catholic wedding ceremony?"
"I would love to attend. Nobody invites me."
"Attend mine! Rs. 2,000/- per head. Ladies, and children below twelve, half
rate. Unlimited drinks and eats. Live music. Spot prizes. Fun for the entire family... "
"I sponsor your celebration and I have to pay to attend?"
"Not you. But your friends will surely want to attend. They will have to
pay. Or you can buy some invites and mail to them. Oh! And by tradition
they have to bring decent presents. Can't break tradition now can we?"
"But me and my friends would like to attend a typical Goan Catholic
wedding, and not this sponsored Anniversary celebrations you're proposing."
"King, King! Why don't you understand? After my celebration this will be
the typical wedding in the future. We have allowed commercial sponsors to
invade every aspect of our lives. From Parish Fetes to Feast Souvenirs to
Crib Competitons. This is the logical next step. Weddings, Christenings,
First Communions... Let the sponsors in with open arms. Not all of us can
afford lavish receptions. This is a decent compromise. You get publicity,
goodwill and decent branding. Your non-local friends get to participate in
local ceremonies. We get our celebrations paid for. Everyone's happy."
"Sounds interesting. How much money are we talking about? Where is the
main reception? What is the entertainment?"
"I was thinking of the Mariott maybe and then the porton at Fort Aguada
Beach Resort. Guests could be accommodated at the same hotels and
transported by your yacht and helicopter. And I was thinking of maybe Billy
Joel, Britney Spears and Madonna to start off the show. Then a small
Russian Ballet troop, an item number by Yana Gupta and Abhishek
Bachchan, a Laser Lights show..."
"This sounds even bigger than my fiftieth birthday bash! Was your wedding
reception ten years back so grand?"
"Naaah! But I didn't have a sponsor that time!"
------
The humour column above appeared in the December 22nd 2005 issue of
Gomantak Times
===
(Graphics and pictures input courtesy: www.goa-world.com extracts from
http://www.flykingfisher.com/ website)
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