Three little pigs
Contemporary Goan Fairy Tales
By Cecil Pinto
Once upon a time there lived on a farm a widow pig named Solloga, who
technically was a sow but was in a ward reserved for women and hence
fancied herself a pig. Solloga had three piglets named Dukullo, Dukona
Dukullo, the youngest, liked to play in the mud and listen to Konkani
pop songs on FM radio. Throughout the day you could see him pigging
out in the mud with his headphones on, while simultaneously forwarding
witty SMS to his friends.
Dukona, the sister pig, was quite the hog and could eat and drink any
and every thing – and did. She was into Bollywood movies and music and
often heard voices in her head. Every evening as she drunkenly
approached the poured swill she could hear it singing to her, "Main
hoon donn, main hoon donn!"
"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!", on the other hand was Barranv's refrain. He was
the shrewdest little pig. When not taking matka bets Barranv was busy
devising Multi Level Marketing scams and also sending pigs to the Gulf
– without telling them that no pork is allowed there.
Solloga tried to bring up her three little pigs to be ethical. "Build
good character. Build strong houses", was her constant refrain. But
they just ignored her. In her own words it was like, "Throwing pearls
to swine!". "Stop being such a boar Mom", the three little pigs would
say to her.
One day while returning from the market Solloga said to her piglets.
"You have grown up and are now too big for our little house. It's
beginning to resemble a pigsty. Who's going to build their own houses
now?" The three pigs were happy to leave and shouted "We, we, we!",
all the way home.
As could be expected Dukullo built himself a mud house but did not
follow the sound technical expertise given by Eng. Jose Lourenco from
Velim. Dukona built herself a house of cabbages, with a cowdung floor,
and got it registered as an NGO for Garbage Management and made quite
a decent living on the subsidies and was in fact able to afford a huge
liquid plasma screen to watch Bollywood Song and Dance Competitions
Barranv forged papers and bribed a talathi to show he was a tenant, on
Form I and XIV, of a derelict 'Portuguese style' house, whose owners
were abroad for many generations and as could be expected were
clueless. He then indulged in 'acts of ownership' like painting the
house and doing up the compound wall. When nobody objected Barranv
just occupied the house and signed an affidavit saying he was in
possession of the house for many years. He then proceeded to refurbish
the old house.
In the backyard of the house Barranv built some of those horribly
pretentious un-Goan cottages, with exposed laterite walls and domed
RCC roofs, and sold them to retired Brits for huge sums through
taxi-driver-cum-brokers. Barranv did not laugh all the way to the
piggy bank, but rather invested his excess funds in real estate – and
not Mutual Funds.
One day a hungry jackal named Kolo, who loved to eat Goan sausages,
decided to taste pork directly. His theme song was "I'm too foxy for
my wolf!" Kolo chanced upon Dukullo's mud house and shouted, "Little
pig, little pig, let me come in." To which Dukullo answered, "No, no!
Not by the hair of my chiny chin chin." Kolo rightly figured Dukollo
hadn't heard right as his headphones were still on. So he bellowed,
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in." And he
did. The house collapsed and Dukullo went limping for protection to
his sister and her cabbage house.
Kolo approached Dukona's house and asked to be let in. "No, no! Not by
the hair of my chiny chin chin", said the obese and drunk Dukona. Kolo
discarded his normal response and shouted, "Use Fair & Lovely for
heaven's sake. It will bleach your facial hair and improve your skin
pigmentation!" Dukona didn't get the pun and shouted out, "How come
you're not offering to blow me and my house?" Since the TV was on full
blast Kolo didn't hear that and just blew the house down. Drunken
Dukona carried Dukullo piggyback as they ran to take refuge in
Barranv's huge estate.
When Kolo approached Barranv's residence the security guard, at what
was by now a gated complex, asked him to fill up a form - which
stumped Kolo as he was illiterate. But Barranv, who was just returning
in his Mercedes from some meetings at the Secretariat, welcomed Kolo
into his house. He appointed Kolo as his liaison agent for Government
offices and then proceeded to combine all three pigs properties and
start work on building and marketing a huge residential/holiday
complex with 60 bungalows and 220 luxury apartments (with swimming
pool, gymnasium, security, lifetime maintenance and rent-back
facilities) named 'Dukorville'.
When some neighbours protested the hill-cutting and other
environmentally destructive actions he convinced them by giving them
jobs as supervisors, pool attendants and security guards. They were
happy. The others he offered a fat brokerage and commissions, to get
him buyers for his properties. They were happy. The few who still
continued to protest he ignored as by now he had bribed the local
panch, the sarpanch and the local MLA to ensure inaction.
Continuing in this pig-headed manner he purchased prime property from
the corrupt and inept village Communidade and started work on Three
Pigs Resort which was marketed as a resort solely for foreigners and
other non-Goan pigs.
When we last caught up with them… Dukona had had 34 cosmetic surgeries
but was still unattractive – and a drunk. Dukullo was producing
Konkani pop-song VCDs. Kolo had finally stopped fantasizing about
eating Dukona, or any pig for that matter, and stuck to chouris-panv
and sorpatel. He had his eye on the Chairmanship of a Government
Corporation. Barranv was financing the re-election attempts of six
Konkani proverb: Dukran kedna kondd sodunk na.
(While some pigs just wallow, others succeed by being shallow).
The column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 17th April 2008.
GULF-GOANS e-NEWSLETTER (Since 1994)